Fourteen years ago I stood on the edge of the abyss; widowed, broken and lost. I didn't own a cell phone and I'd never touched a computer. Fourteen years isn't all that long ago and yet my reality at the time is almost incomprehensible to me now. The world has changed.
Note to the the universe: I won't be left behind.
This week I found myself saying, "This can't be real - it's not happening face to face so there's no way I can trust it." But it is real and something inside of me spoke gently and reminded me that the world has changed and if I don't step up and go with the flow then I'm just another desperado, clinging to what was instead of going with what is. The train is going to leave the station with or without me. I'd rather be on it than standing at the edge of the tracks wondering where everyone went.
I got Lola on the phone because Lola always knows. And as if stepping out of my thoughts she repeated them back to me without prompting: "You go with it or you become an old man." The cyber shift that has upended our planet in less than 20 years is as radical as the harnessing of electricity itself. Maybe more.
Continue reading "The World Has Changed..." »
There's something to be said for persistence; just getting out and doing something long enough and often enough that we get good at it. When I decided to become a professional photographer back in 1982 I was sitting on the terrace of an old Tuscan farmhouse with my daughter and her mom looking out over the ancient vineyards in their fall colors. I'd been taking pictures for a long time then but it had never occurred to me to pursue anything on a professional level. We had moved to Italy so that I could study music at the Santa Cecilia Academy in Rome; but something changed in my thoughts that fall day as I looked out over the beauty of the Tuscan countryside. From one moment to the next I switched from being a musician to a photographer.
Continue reading "In The Doing..." »
photo by Gina Van Hoof
Eleven years ago Matthew Shepard was beaten, burned and brutalized and left to die in the cold night air outside of Laramie, Wyoming. He was tied crucifixion style to a fence on a desolate prairie outside of town where he was found unconscious the next morning by a cyclist. His death five days later in a hospital in Ft. Collins sent shockwaves around the world and triggered an avalanche of grief and outrage. His killers, one of whom had been a mormon eagle scout, are each serving 2 consecutive life sentences and will never again be free. Matthew's legacy has become a part of the fabric of my life, as it has the lives of so many others both within and outside the community.
At the time of Matthew's death I was living alone in a little cabin in the Granite Dells outside of Prescott, Arizona. My lover Les had died a little more than a year earlier there in that cabin and I had withdrawn from the world and disappeared into a solitary existence. I don't remember exactly how it all unfolded but I had just purchased an old used computer from a pawn shop, my first ever, and it was online with that old computer that I found out about Matthew's death.
Even though I didn't know Matthew I was so overcome with grief at his death that I sat in front of my monitor sobbing and feeling as though Les had died all over again. Out of that grief came an outpouring of feeling that I typed out in my first computer composed essay that I posted somewhere online amidst other expressions of love and caring for Matthew and his family. As a result of that posting one of the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence in San Francisco found me and asked if I would come to San Francisco that weekend to read the essay aloud at a candlelight vigil being held in Matthew's honor.
Continue reading "The Day Matthew Shepard Died..." »
When was the last time you distinctly thought about being straight? Kind of like, "I'm straight and so today I'm going to act like a straight person." Or, "Let's see, since I'm straight I'm going to write in my blog about being straight." It wouldn't even occur to you, would it.
That's kind of how being gay is. It's not like there's this constant thought about being gay, In fact, there's probably never much thought about it at all in my mind, except perhaps for when people ask questions about it and I do my best to answer. But even then it seems a little strange because my being gay is as much a natural state of being in my life as being straight is for you. I don't look at my reflection in a store window and think, oh wow, there's a gay guy. I don't see gay when I look in the mirror. I see me.
I don't think about being gay any more than you think about being straight. It's that simple.
So what is gay then?
Continue reading "On Being Gay..." »