Woke up this morning at the end of a long, drawn out dream in which I was trying to resolve a multitude of issues, not the least of which is the anger I have at my mom and twin brother for their inability to get over my being gay. These kinds of dreams surface from time to time, probably because I refuse during my waking hours to allow the issues to constantly go round and round in my thoughts. I cannot resolve other people's issues about my sexuality for them and have stopped trying. It baffles me though, why people can't just move on and focus on other more important things. My mom has a mental illness and my brother is seriously overweight. You'd think they'd have their hands full dealing with those things and not have time to be preoccupied about who and how I love.
If you're reading this and you have serious issues with people in your life, hear the pleading in my words and let it all go. Don't make the people around you suffer because you disapprove of how they're choosing to live. Disapprove if you must, once, and then move on. Allow the people around you to assume responsibility for their choices. Allow the people around you to do the best they can with the hand they were dealt at birth. Hammering on people year after year only alienates them. If someone you love is smoking, tell them once that you disapprove and then let it go. Chances are good they want to quit with all their heart. You pounding incessantly on them doesn't help - it only depletes their self-esteem. And their self-esteem is very much needed in the process of letting go of an addiction.
Say it once and move on. Constantly reinforcing your disapproval of someone's behaviour doesn't make things any better. I promise you, it doesn't. If you have to end the relationship with that person because of the problem, end it. Someday you might find your way back to each other.
Judith and I once had a major disagreement over something. This was back in the early years of our 26 year friendship. It was a pretty monumental falling out and we didn't speak to or see each other for almost a year over it. Each of us was right to feel the way we did. Each of us, in our hearts, was justified in our anger. I don't think either of us knew for sure that we'd ever find each other again. I think we parted ways with the sadness of knowing that it might be forever. Well, it wasn't forever but during that year of apartness we each learned how much we loved each other and that maybe being in each other's life was more important than our differences.
We found each other again after a year of complete silence; and since that day I have never said one word to Judith about what I perceived "were her issues." I let it go. And every day for the past 20 years I continue to let it go because even though we're best friends and worship the ground each other stands on, it's none of my gawdamn business how she chooses to live her life. I can love her as she is or I can move on. And lemme tell ya, Judith and I have each chosen to love the other exactly as each of us is and it works.
Beautifully.
I have this same relationship with my buddy Lisa R. from Newport Beach. We are approaching the ten year anniversary of our friendship here in a couple of months and as I look back on this friendship I realize that one of the things that has sustained us through it all is our ability to speak openly and honestly about each other's lives and then immediately move on from it. Lisa doesn't hold onto judgements about me and I don't hold onto judgements about her. We speak openly and directly and without emotion and then we move on. It isn't hard to do. It's a choice. A very simple choice to speak and then let it go and move on.
This is what I'm trying to do where my mom and brother are concerned. The problem I face is that when I open the door to them the shit inevitably comes flying through. This time I've chosen to shut the door tightly with the sadness that it could be shut forever. Do you remember what the definition of insanity is? Doing the same thing over and over and expecting the results to be different each time? I've run out of cheeks to turn and that open door has proven, without exception, to have a handful of shit behind it waiting to be thrown in my face. So I've moved on but something in my subconscious still wants resolution. I don't know what the answer is but my thoughts this morning are, if you're nagging at somebody constantly about something, let it go. Move on. Hammering a person bruises them.
Sometimes walking away is the kindest gift of all.
The letting go and moving on is one of the best things you can do for your own sanity and to give the other person the space to look at their own shit.
I had to do that with my sister. She had an incredibly dirty house, well beyond just messy. I finally had to be blunt with her about how she was living and then I just let it go. I did have to distance myself for awhile but since then, she has actually started to clean up her act. It was one of the hardest things I ever had to do but it was necessary.
Bottom line, you have to live with yourself and exposing yourself to the toxicity whether its on a physical level or an emotional level, your mental health is more important.
Posted by: Paula D. | July 17, 2009 at 10:21 PM
Tom -
I'm saddened to read of the strained (uh - a but of understandment) with your mom and twin. It must be extremely difficult for you - and for them to no be able to just "let go."
When my wife and I left Happy Valley so I could go to NYU, we indeed had a bit of a shock. Oh, we'd had friends and acquaintances who'd come out of the closet (come on, we were music majors!), but we really did experience knowing them afterwards, and aside from the "tsk tsk" and snickers, we were really pretty living the "sheltered life."
In New York, things were very different - going to school and having students passing out condoms to celebrate Valentines Day told me "loud and clear" - "You're not in Provo any more!"
But aside from all the music history stuff I learned there, I think the most valuable thing I learned was from my favorite professor. Not only was he absolutely brilliant, the kindness and respect he showed me was extremely rare in that program - not that the other professors were rude or anything, but there was a genuine goodness about him I really appreciated. And he was gay. In no way did he fit the profile I had expected to find (well, except for the lavender shirts he always seemed to wear). And I came to realize, I had absolutely no business judging him for the way he lived his life. He certainly hadn't judged me. And so I came to find my self in the position of allowing myself only one area of human behavior where I felt justified in judging others - and that is, how well others treat those around them. Other than that, nada, nichts, nothing.
And, from the lurking I've done on Facebook and your blog, and other sites, it's very clear your many friends think very highly of you. They couldn't all be idiots.
So, even though I maintain a fairly orthodox position with regard to my eclesiastical life, I am not about the hurl stones at someone for being who they are.
Cheers -
Kim
Posted by: Kim | July 19, 2009 at 05:37 PM