I asked my daughter Auri if she'd take some pictures of me and she said yes (she's an amazing photographer) so I shaved and showered and took a deep breath and went for it. No retouching here, no color manipulation, just the pure unvarnished truth at 55.
I did drag this into Photoshop to see what it'd look like in B&W. It brings out a lot more skin texture but I'm OK with that. I love B&W so I don't mind what it does to my vanity. I added some warmth in the shadows as I often do to B&W images that are going to be viewed on monitors.
Now, lest you think this is about showing off, let me just tell you that this is an extremely difficult thing for me to do as I've been dealing with some serious body issues for the past couple of years since I got so sick. A lot has changed, not the least of which is the way my face looks. Sometimes I honestly cringe when I see pictures of myself. I'm carrying about 25 more pounds than I used to and the inevitable process of aging has jumped in there as well and had its way with me. It all adds up to just not knowing for sure who I'm looking at anymore. It's not that I hate who I see, I just don't know him very well yet.
My doctor put me on testosterone about eight or nine months ago and it has definitely affected the way I look. I'm OK with that too, it just gets back to that thing of not being sure who it is I'm seeing when I look at pictures of myself. Mirrors are tricksters but pictures don't lie. At least not in my world they don't.
So that's it, I'm not a kid anymore even though I still feel like one most of the time. Personally I think aging is cruel and unusual and I'm doing a really lousy job at making peace with it. But I thought if I got more honest with myself and others about who I am at this point it might make things a little easier. Believe it or not I still think I'm in my 20s. Everything in my body says no no but my heart says yes yes.
I'm going with my heart for now.
p.s. Not fishing for compliments here. This is just an exercise in growth, a willingness to take a good hard look at myself and see if I can find some serenity there. Please tell me that all of you go through similiar self-image uncertainties once in awhile, OK?
You're beautiful, inside and out!! :D
Posted by: C. L. Hanson | February 01, 2009 at 07:34 AM
"Please tell me that all of you go through similiar self-image uncertainties once in awhile, OK?"
My dear Tom, I believe what you described above is just a part of being alive. I've gone through mountains of self-image uncertainties and I still go through them. I think making peace with your body is a lifelong process. It takes work to accept each change that comes along, although some changes are easier to accept than others. I know you said you weren't fishing for compliments, but I still gotta say, I think you look damn good. :)
Hugs,
Hez
Posted by: Heather | February 01, 2009 at 12:32 PM
Oh, now THAT is the man that I spent some quality time with. What a perfect picture of you, Tom. Brava, Auri. When it unveiled itself I just said...ohhhh and smiled.
Posted by: Lisa S | February 01, 2009 at 01:02 PM
We are all dealt a different hand. It's how you play it that matters.
Posted by: Giant Muh | February 01, 2009 at 08:51 PM
My family photo albums are filled with lovely photos of everyone....except me. I hide behind the excuse that I'm hiding behind the camera. Someone has to TAKE the shots, right?
Truth is, I can't stand pictures of myself...have rarely seen one I like. I've never been able to come to a peace about my looks.
So I applaud your bravery and envy you the strength to take a look.
Posted by: Kellie | February 01, 2009 at 10:51 PM
Did you perform at the Superbowl Half Time show yesterday? My husband agrees with me.
Posted by: Pauline | February 02, 2009 at 11:19 AM
I've been hiding behind cameras too for a long time. It's only been in the past ten years or so that I finally found some peace with my looks and my body and ventured out once in awhile in front of the camera. I've even had a lot of fun taking pictures of myself.
And then in an instant everything changed and I had to go through the process of getting comfortable with a whole new body and looks all over again. It took fifty years the first time around. I sure hope it doesn't take that long this time.
Some of us are fat, some of us have acne scars, some of us are bald, some of us have big ankles and some of us are missing a front tooth. And for some of us the unattractiveness we feel goes deeper than any of that. In my work I am constantly photographing people who for whatever reasons are considered "attractive" by the world at large. It's unavoidable that at some point most of us will measure ourselves against the whims of random genetics.
I'm no different than any of you. I fight hard for whatever little bit of self-esteem I can find within me. I have a lot going for me but I'm also savaged by doubts that somehow got out of control in my thoughts.
I'm always looking for something to hang onto. I seek serenity, sometimes finding it and sometimes not.
Posted by: Tom Clark | February 02, 2009 at 11:52 AM
Well, as a record of your physiognomy, it's very good. And the physiognomy is very nice as well--who wants to a fifty year old twink? Much better to be a Hot Daddy! Your features are soft and rugged at the same time, and the color rinse and soul patch add a playful touch.
But, not too pull any punches--you clenched. It's not the artist, the family man, or the guy who walks naked through the hills, is it? As a record of your features, it's fine; but as a portrait, it's just a little too guarded.
Posted by: Jim | February 02, 2009 at 05:26 PM
Looking at yourself age always takes a little intestinal fortitude and over the years there have been times where it's been easier than others. Currently I'm carrying more weight than I ever have but now that I'm unemployed, I'm getting more exercise than ever!
Personally, I prefer the shots of you on the side bar, they're more relaxed and your personality really shines through.
Posted by: Paula D. | February 03, 2009 at 09:07 AM
A smile would have been good, but I think you look fabulous.
I avoid the front of the camera like the plague. Maybe after I lose......xx pounds. ;-)
Posted by: LisaK | February 03, 2009 at 09:28 AM
I would smile more but I have issues with my teeth. I've got more issues than Idaho has potatoes.
Posted by: Tom Clark | February 03, 2009 at 02:25 PM
you'd still turn my head if you walked by.
Posted by: morandia | February 03, 2009 at 06:24 PM
Is that head turner as in you'd like to get a second look or head turner as in Linda Blair head turning? :-)
I look like Bruce Springsteen??? I didn't watch the Superbowl of course but Auri told me that he was the only person who performed. Shit man, maybe I can get a gig being a Springsteen imitator!
Posted by: Tom Clark | February 03, 2009 at 08:09 PM
I love that Lisa said "Brava Auri."
One of my hugest pet peeves in the world is being at a concert and having people shouting Bravo at the women who just finished singing or playing the piano.
Excuse me? Bravo to a woman? No fucking way. The word bravo or brava is borrowed from Italian and in Italian adjectives are ALWAYS matched to the gender of the person they're describing. A for females and O for males. Brava for Joan Sutherland and Bravo for Luciano Pavarotti.
Bravo or Brava
Bello or Bella (beautiful)
Carino or Carina (cute)
Stanco or Stanca (tired)
Pigro or Pigra (lazy)
Magro or Magra (thin)
Ricco or Ricca (rich)
You get the picture. In the more formal world of concertgoing and opera in particular, it would be unusual to hear the terms bravo or brava misused and yet I hear it all the time here in amerique. And it bugs me because I'm such an elitist and full of myself and such a linguistics snob.
Not. In reality it's just because I grew up in Italy and don't ever really remember not speaking Italian. And in Italian one never misspeaks gender attached descriptions. So it grinds on my ears when I hear people shouting bravo to a woman. It makes my shoulders jerk uncontrollably and my head snap from side to side.
:-)
But don't get me started on pet peeves...
Posted by: Tom Clark | February 03, 2009 at 08:20 PM
I think Spanish is the same way. From Latin roots?
Idaho doesn't have very many potatoes anymore. They ship all the good ones away and have turned to growing malt barley (for beer) because it pays better. Even the good Mormon farmers. Go figure!
Posted by: LisaK | February 04, 2009 at 12:27 PM
I still look in the mirror with shock at times to discover that I am not 16 anymore. I still feel like a kid. ALthough I think that is the way that it should be. Hearts are never ment to grow old. It is the youth of our hearts where adventure, yearning, and growth truly lives.
Posted by: Katie | February 05, 2009 at 08:29 PM
I'm turning 30 this year, and it's eating at me, though I'm trying to make peace with it. I feel 12.
Several years ago, when I was about 22, I had finally - FINALLY - started getting comfortable with my body and my looks, when I suddenly (yes, suddenly) gained 65 pounds due to medication. It just never ends - you're always having to get used to who you are, I guess.
Even as a small child I hated having my picture taken. I've recently started trying to feel better about it, but it's still weird. How I look in pictures is not how I feel inside.
You look GREAT. Get to know that face - it's a good one.
(PS - Sorry if this comes through twice. First it looked like it posted, but without the last line, then it looked like it hadn't posted at all, so...)
Posted by: rebecca | February 09, 2009 at 10:07 AM