Life was easier in another time & place before I made the choice to get involved politically in what was going on around me. The world knows well, and I sometimes have to remind myself, that I grew up in Italy and have continued for most of my life to travel back & forth between here and there. Still to this day I often feel like a foreigner in the country I call home. This country, not that one over there sitting pulled out like salt water taffy between the Mediteranean and the Adriatic.
It should surprise no one that for years I didn't vote because I had no idea what I was voting for and I truly didn't understand the difference between Republican and Democrat. It embarasses me to say that I once voted for Reagan because he was Hollywood and he was charismatic. But that was the sorry extent of my American political understanding at the time. When Reagan betrayed my dying brothers during the height of the AIDS crisis I realized I knew nothing about nothing and I was better off not voting at all than inadvertently voting for the enemy.
And then I met Steve Benson who has become one of my closest friends. I fell fond of Steve, not because he's the grandson of a former president of the mormon church or because he has a Pulitzer or because he's an internationally revered political cartoonist but because on some deep and unexplainable level we get each other and like each other and we work well in the garden together. It's the simplest form of friendship I can think of: we're friends just because we are. And with Steve came the opportunity to learn about American politics. It's kind of like me and photography; how long can you be around me before I take your picture or start talking to you about cashmere? How long are you gonna hang out with Benson before a political conversation of some kind ensues?
I also started to realize somewhere along the way that I had a voice and that voice could reach people in ways perhaps silly and in other ways perhaps compelling and important. It began occuring to me the status quo was not enough and was not OK and that perhaps I should learn what I didn't know and get involved in fighting for my equal rights in this country. I gave my naievete` up for a seat at the feet of a man who knew what I didn't know. What I didn't realize at the time though was that I was giving up some of my peace of mind in the process.
I have never in all of my 55 years seen anything as absurd as what I'm seeing going on around me right now politically. I got involved in politics for this? For this stuff that makes Italian politics look genteel and sophisticated??? I must be out of my fucking mind. But now I seem to be glued to it like a train wreck that I can't stop looking at. Each day the further descent into madness makes me feel more like a foreigner than I did when I really was a foreigner.
And to make matters worse I've become emotionally involved in the outcome of Proposition 8, the effort in my home state of California to take away the right that I now have to marry the man I love. Many religionists, including my devoutly mormon family, don't feel that I'm their equal and therefore not worthy of the same civil rights they have. So as insult piles up ontop of injury I've now felt compelled to close the door on the relationships I've worked so hard to develop with my family over the past 30 years. They've taken their last stabs at my soul and now it's over. They've made their choices and I've made mine. I only have just so much capacity for hurt within my consciousness and they've exhausted absolutely every last little bit of it. I've got nothing left for them.
I have friends who've gasped at my callousness but in reality, they don't understand how long this has been going on and how much it's hurt and what a heavy burden it is to keep carrying around. There are so many people who love me that it's become pointless to hold onto those who are still looking at me with pity or barely hidden disgust because I've "chosen" to be gay. Fuck 'em. I've got family that knows what family means and that's enough for me without continuing to drag the klingons along behind me any more.
When McCain chose Palin I thought I was watching a circus, but over the past few weeks I've realized that I'm watching something that more closely resembles what went on in the Coliseum in ancient Rome; that stuff where everyone fights to the death. Anything goes and whoever bleeds to death first loses. I keep thinking that this can't possibly be real, but wow, I guess it is.
I feel sorry for my Republican friends, most of whom I have genuine respect for, who've been dealt this absurdist hand. One of them, a gal who is a true feminist and one of the most financially successful women I've known, must now choose between her deeply committed Republican fiscal ideologies and the possibility of putting a woman in charge of the country that would work night & day to repeal Roe vs. Wade. What kind of a choice is that? I'm just glad it's more cut and dried for me.
So yes, after this election I think I'm going to retire from politics altogether. This is too much for me. I no longer sleep well at night and my days are filled with total abject horror that the lunatics are asking us to let them run the asylum. I keep waiting for McCain to drop dead of a heart attack during one of his angry rants or for Palin to pull out her rifle and start shooting people's dogs or something. Yeh, let's put Loco and Mas Loco in charge of the Looney Bin. Yee haaw!
I'm going back to sex. In the future, if I don't know who to vote for I'll ask Steve and do whatever he tells me to do. Politically or in bed I'm a great bottom and I've got lots of references to prove it. :-)
Oh, and by the way, I've been saying for weeks now, it's Obama by a landslide. Now that that's become so obvious I feel cheap for even saying it.
Tom, I'm really sorry to hear about how this has affected your family.
The LDS church's stance was already bad enough before this recent campaign, but this latest "no more fence-sitters!" fanatical promotion of Proposition 8 is bound to have a devastating effect on many families. I would guess there are lots of Mormons who were willing to love and support gay family members, but when forced to choose between an loved one and the church, they will choose the church.
I know how you feel about wanting to retire from politics, and I hope you're right about "Obamam by a landslide," but remember: it's not over yet. Those people who have paid thousands of dollars from their savings for the Proposition 8 campaign are going to want to back their investment with a massive get out the hate vote effort on election day. It's human nature: "in for a dime, in for a dollar." This is a critical election in which the politics of hope and cooperation need to make a decisive victory over the politics of hate and fear, so I hope you'll help encourage people to get to the polls. ;)
Posted by: C. L. Hanson | October 12, 2008 at 06:31 AM
Hi Chanson,
I've heard from some of my friends that their relationships with their mormon families have deteriorated as a result of the whole Prop 8 mess. I'm not surprised because I know from what I feel personally that it's become a real tipping point. The lines have been drawn and our family members have been asked to choose between the church and us.
Some mormons have spoken up with great anger at the church's involvement in political affairs, yet again. But others, like my family, just went ahead and did what they were told. My twin brother, who I have been cultivating such a tight friendship with over the past few years, has been out going door to door trying to get people to pass Prop 8.
I've been criticized for saying this and been told I'm overreacting, but to me his involvement at the level he's involved, is a direct frontal assault on my basic civil rights. It's one thing to go into a booth and vote your conscience, which is something I totally respect, but it's quite another to go out and actively campaign for Prop 8. He's putting his time, his money and his energy into taking away my civil rights. And I just can't handle that. Every time I think about it the blood rushes to my head, my heart starts to pound and I feel like I just wanna start hitting something.
After 30 years of struggling with my viciously mormon mom over my being gay, I thought we'd mended all our fences and were well into a period of calm and respect and genuine enjoyment of each other's company. And then while I was there recently healing from all of these broken bones she finally was able to squeeze in her true sentiments that were apparently just barely hidden beneath the surface: "You know that what you're doing is a sin, that it isn't right and that it isn't a part of god's plan."
I wanted to mess with her and say, "What? Healing these bones is displeasing to god? Taking pictures of your flowers isn't part of "his" plan?"
But I didn't. I just turned away in complete silence and refused to take the bait. I knew in that moment though that it was over with me and my family. They're only nice to me because they think they have to be, because if they're nice to me I'll stop being gay and come back to church. I'm their ticket to brownie points for the celestial kingdom. Well, they're going to have to earn their brownie points someplace else because I'm all done. I've been turning the other cheek for 30 years and I ain't got no more cheeks to turn.
Yes, everyone must get out and vote! No matter who or what you vote for, vote.
Posted by: Tom Clark | October 12, 2008 at 08:06 AM
Wow, that's awful. My heart goes out to you. Hugs -- and give your grandkids an extra hug for me.
Posted by: C. L. Hanson | October 12, 2008 at 09:17 AM
This is so heartbreaking for me to read. The grip religion has on people is scary. I keep hoping that someday they will break out of it and decided for themselves that what other people do in their bedrooms is none of their business. As time goes on, the frenzy just keeps boiling. I'm so sorry Tom. I think cutting people off emotionally is the right thing to do if this is the way its going to be for them.
Posted by: Heather | October 12, 2008 at 02:53 PM
Yeh Heather, it's just time because to continue to allow this to go on with my family means I'm masochistic. And I'm not. I value the hours of my life because I know how fragile it is. I feel lucky to be alive and whatever time I have left I don't want wasted being hurt by people who are supposed to love me. Auri, Trent and my three precious grandkids adore the hell outta me and that's way more than enough!
Good to see you back - wish I could hang out with you and Joe but it'll have to wait until the holidays. I'll call soon.
Posted by: Tom Clark | October 12, 2008 at 06:48 PM
Well Mr. Clark, your family (including me) in SLC misses you VERY MUCH, and can't wait for you to come back. Maybe you'll be a little less excitable after the election is over... oh, who am I kidding?! Ha. Love you, miss you, can't wait to see you.
Tata
Posted by: Erica | October 13, 2008 at 11:04 AM
Yes Tom, your adorable babies and your amazing daughter and her husband are overflowing with love for you. There are MANY more who love you tremendously as well. Joe and I have lots of hugs for you when you get back to SLC. :)
Posted by: Heather | October 13, 2008 at 12:25 PM
Tom, I too am so close to swearing off politics too. I find myself yelling at the tv alot. Whether it's the republicans or the prop. 8 ads, my blood pressure is definitely on the roller coaster.
It's hard to cut off family, but when it comes to being true to yourself, or continuing to allow them to abuse you, I'd go for the cutting off of the abuser every time.
Posted by: Paula D. | October 13, 2008 at 05:46 PM
Yeh Paula, you know, there's just a point where continuing to indulge their abuse means at some level we condone it. And I've moved beyond it now.
We may see defeat with Prop 8. But even if it passes it doesn't mean my life will go down the toilet. My life probably won't change even a tiny bit. This is a fight for equal civil rights, that's all. But when it comes to my family my mom and my twin have made it clear what their feelings are and I have to accept that and work from there.
And I've moved on. Moments of something that kind of resembles regret creep in now & then but overall I feel at peace with my choice to finally end these troubled relationships. Who knows, maybe they're feeling relief too.
Something has gone wrong in America. I don't understand it very well but I'm looking forward to being so consumed with my current garden project that I won't have time to even think about the shitstorms going on around me. It's already happening...
Posted by: Tom Clark | October 13, 2008 at 07:55 PM
There are moments when I ask myself, "what's all the fuss about Tom?" And I kind of breathe heavy and sigh and stuff because I know what all of the fuss is about. It's about living in the fabulousness of this life I have going on and realizing that there's a lot of people in this world who think there's something fundamentally wrong or flawed about me.
How can something so right be thought of as so wrong?
It doesn't matter that I know they're wrong. That doesn't bring me anything other than the knowledge that I know they're wrong. It doesn't give me equal rights and equal protection under the law just because I know that there's nothing wrong with me. The problem is, there are people out there who think that I'm flawed or a sinner and there's enough of them that they can affect the way my life is played out.
Our constitution is supposed to protect the minority from the tyranny of the majority. But that isn't the way it's being played out, is it.
I feel perfectly normal. There's not a scintilla of anything anywhere in my consciousness that wonders, "What if they're right? What if I really am flawed?" It just isn't there. There might be a lot of things wrong with me but my sexuality isn't one of them. But that's what the rabid religionist haters have seized onto.
I've met some really beautiful, really talented, really handsome guys in the past few days since starting this new garden project. I mean, devastatingly handsome even and preternaturally talented and smart and wow wow wow. And they're straight. And I've found myself looking at them and feeling a few pangs of envy because in some ways I have everything they have, except being devastatingly handsome, which I'm not.
What they have that I don't have is the freedom from being thought of as fundamentally flawed and less than everyone else. All of these guys could go right out today and marry the woman they love. People don't pass referendums about who they have sex with and nobody would bat an eyelash if one of them walked into a hospital emergency room and said, "That's my wife lying there and I want to be with her and hold her hand."
It's difficult to reconcile feeling as good about myself as I do while at the same time knowing that there are so many people out there who think there's something inherently wrong with me or that by virtue of my "choices" I'm not entitled to the same civil rights they are. If they just thought that and couldn't do anything to me about it then I wouldn't care. But they can, with their votes, keep me away from the table of privilege. That's the part that's tough when you're the last minority in the country against whom it's legal to discriminate. You're saddled with being at the mercy of the tyranny of the majority.
That isn't the way it was supposed to work.
Yeh, I envy straight guys because they don't have to live their lives defending who they are because of who they have sex with.
Posted by: Tom Clark | October 13, 2008 at 09:06 PM
I don't have the right to judge anyone else, regardless of their opinions, orientations, or political position.
I am entitled to my own.
I will vote, but I will vote the way I want to. No one, and definitely no religion, will tell me how. (too bad I'm in Idaho)
I leave the room when the tv is on. Blech!
Posted by: LisaK | October 14, 2008 at 02:36 PM
It's tough Lisa. I can imagine that for most of us the current climate of politics and cultural differences has become virtually insufferable. But maybe this means we're finally inching closer to a resolution. I don't know anymore. I don't know anything. Other than the fact that the bamboo I planted today will bring my clients many years of happiness and a feeling of groundedness and serenity.
I've got to get my orientation back to the basic fundamentals of serenity. It's tattooed on my back and maybe I need to have it tattooed on the top of my legs so that I see it more often. Maybe I'll have it inked onto the back of one of my hands or something.
Serenity...
Posted by: Tom Clark | October 14, 2008 at 06:20 PM
"I've met some really beautiful, really talented, really handsome guys in the past few days...And they're straight."
Sigh. They always are. Straight or married. My big fear with prop 8 is that, pass or fail, it goes to the US Supreme Court. Scalia will go into full psycho-Christian mode, and the US will once more look ridiculous to the rest of the civilized world (or make that ...the civilized world, we've pretty much lost our claim).
Sorry to hear that you wasted all that effort on members of the "Families are Forever" Cult. It's often said that gay men choose there families, so how about I be your snarky little brother?
Posted by: Jim | October 17, 2008 at 11:46 AM